Viktigt inlägg
Detta är ett inlägg jag skrev förut som jag nämnde Hard Work.
Eftersom jag delar mina känslor i den här bloggen oftast så här är inlägget skrivet 2014-02-19 @ 16:53
"Hard work
Isn't it crazy how incredible low you can fall when you feel up sometimes?
I felt strong after the weekend. I had a good talk to my man and everything was fine. Sun was shining and I felt energised. I actually felt I could make this.
And all of sudden , because I've been positive for once - fuck me dead you fall so fucking hard when you fall to the bottom again.
And it infects me everywhere. I can't think properly, I feel like burden, disgusting, selfish, stupid. I sleep shit. I don't wanna go up from bed. And there is no way to get away from it.
Each day that passes just convices me how bad everything will get. Usually it feels like that with good news it comes fast, and with the bad you wait and wait until you are falling apart and you will only get a answer that will kick you in the guts. That's exactly what happened last time.
I can't hope for something that seems slightly less to happen everyday.
I'm honestly in a dark hole. I don't feel sorry for my self - I just can't HANDLE doing this. Maybe I seem like a egoist who only thin about myself - Honestly? I always listen or try to. But when exactly my whole life is on hold in every thinkable way it's hard to be a good person.
It's one person I tell exactly what's going on inside me and it's always that one person that gets the worst side of me. And all I can do is apologise.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. This thing going on today (and all the other days) is the same thing that happened when I was depressed and slef destructive.
But at this point I can't actually change my outcome, it's in the hands of someone else and if that answer won't come soon. I might have to give it up.
I'm getting to the edge of a personal financial crisis. I'm gonna have to move back to my mom with my tail between my legs and hope she can help me. And I'll be alone.
Thanks life. For making it easier.
And btw, to acknowledge your misery and problems that stops your WHOLE life isn't being selfish. I do not want pity and I don't feel sorry for my self. I'm mad and angry cause it's so damn fucking hard. It's hard to be positive when everything is shit, and it doesn't seem like it will get better.
You are aloud to be sad aren't you? Or do you have to hide so people will think you're selfish and want pity and feel sorry for yourself?
The most important thing I need to get out is that I'm not being stubborn and negative cause it's fun. With my experience I do not need to feel the positive vibrations to belive it will happen. Either it will happen or not. I'm NOT gonna sit and hope for it to happen. For me hope doesn't bring me anywhere. You are always going to work the hardest yourself to achive anything.
No one should feel the the feeling that I'm not doing anything: I think I made it perfectly clear that I'm EXTREMLEY limited. The only money I got is to be used for food. END. That means I cannot buy a buss ticket to go ANYWHERE.
So if you are stuck inside a house, what do most people so? And add that you are extremely sad and stressed. Yes you could go out for a 1 hour walk everyday. Surely more thinking is avoidable walking around - really?
at least I'm doing my work outs - wich I'm starting to feel unnecessary since I probably won't arrive to my work where I would need the muscles I'm trying to build.
What else? Study? Who manage to study when you are extremley unmotivated? Whiteout beging happy? And have a proper goal?
I belive that I might sound negative. But most people need a reason for live. And so do I. And my reason is in the hands of a lawyer. And all I can do is wait.
Love R "